Slow and Steady

It’s been a little over a month since I made the New Year’s resolutions and although I haven’t lost as much weight as I would like at this point, I have lost 4 pounds and maintained the resolutions. Everyday I’ve made a choice. Choices that furthered my goals or set them back. Some days I am so confident I’ll succeed it’s down right scary. Others I am so paranoid I’ll get stuck and ultimately fail that it’s difficult to push forward. At times, it feels like I am drowning, flapping all around, trying to make it. Then I realize I need to just calm down. Breathe. There is no drowning here as the water isn’t that deep.

The weight loss process is a tricky one and different for every person. I obviously didn’t get to be 30 pounds overweight (currently but 50 pounds ultimately) by eating properly and exercising as recommended. There have been many times in my life where I have chosen to take care of myself through food. While I’ve never been one to eat tons of junk food, I have been known to eat too much of the healthy stuff and healthy or not, its all about moderation. I used food to fill voids that food could never fill. I self-medicated with food throughout my father’s battle with cancer. I turned to food with the death of my grandmother. I used food to fill the holes that anxiety seemed to place inside of me. Food has filled many boring hours at the office and a lot of downtime at home alone while my husband travels. Food has been the source of every celebration my family has had and every mournful loss we have suffered as well. I’ve spent years working through my issues with food. Why do I eat, why do I eat what I eat, why do I eat when I eat? Some of those I can answer, some I’m still seeking. All I know is that it had to STOP.

So I stopped it. Oh the power that comes when you realize you are in fact strong enough to take control of your own life! That doesn’t mean I don’t want to turn to food, it just means I’m aware of when I want to turn to food and I find something else to do instead. Have I perfected this? No, but each day is another baby step in the right direction. I stopped waiting to feel like doing it and just started about the business of doing. I don’t always feel like working out, so what? I don’t always feel like coming to work, but I come to work. I don’t always feel like taking a shower, but I shower. I don’t always feel like doing laundry or the dishes but the dishes are done and so is the laundry. You get my point. The funny thing is that after each of those workouts I don’t feel like doing, I feel fantastic. I feel strong. I feel accomplished. I feel like I could conquer anything before me and I know I will because I feel the change in my soul.